How God Filled My Gas Tank

On this date one year ago, I was driving across the country from Colorado to Tennessee to pick up my stuff and move it out to where I would be living. It was right after I got back from Haiti, and God had provided a Chevy Blazer for me, which I wrote about at the time I got it. He had also provided $50 for my gas tank in a lovely story that I also told here on my blog.

I didn't know it at the time, but there was about to be so much more to the story. The details are so God-glorifying, because it was so only and totally HIM that did this and took care of me, and I believe it's worth sharing.

As a bit of background, back in the summer of 2012, I had sold "Matilda," my Mercury Grand Marquis, for $2000, and then I spent that money in order to fund the initial part of my time in Haiti. It was with a bit of regret that I parted with the car, not because I loved the it so much, but just because I knew that I once the money was gone, I wouldn't have a car OR money.

"Cast thy bread upon the waters," Solomon says, "for thou shalt find it after many days." (Ecc. 11:1). That is how I felt. By the time I got back from Haiti, God had provided more, and I had $2000 left in my bank account.

I returned from Haiti to Colorado and bought the Blazer for $1650, leaving me $350. I filled up the gas tank and God provided enough to fill it again, and then I had a couple of airport runs, which emptied me out again, leaving me with just $300.

I had planned to go home to Tennessee, and I calculated that gas (one way) was going to cost me $300 to $350. I really asked the Lord about whether or not I should do it, because it seemed irresponsible and just plain foolish to use up all the rest of my money to get home and then not have anything to get back. But I felt like He was calling me to go home, and that He would provide.

Then, in a move reminiscent of His normal impossible-working pattern, He wiped out my $300. First I got pulled over for a burned-out headlight and had to replace it. Then my spark plugs were bad and needed to be replaced. Then I had an adventure on the highway that ended in the amputation of my driver's side mirror. Finally, my battery died. Fixing all these issues cost $300.

My scheduled departure day was Tuesday, June 18. Monday evening, my roommate and I had a prayer time together, and I prayed about my $300. "Lord," I said, "You know I had $300 for gas money, and now it's all gone. Yet I still believe that you are calling me to go home, and that you are going to take care of me and provide what I need. You know my needs. What are you going to do?"

That same evening, someone handed me fifteen $20 bills. Exactly $300 cash. "This is for your trip."

My roommate and I exchanged shocked glances, jaws dropping. Thank you, God!

I left in the morning and drove 22 hours across Nebraska, Iowa, and Wisconsin, stopping at my sister's house to visit for three days. When I arrived near her house, I filled up my tank, and after that, I had $60 left, which would not be quite enough to take me the 800 more miles to Tennessee. "Ok, God," I thought. "What are you going to do next?" I was kept in perfect peace that He was taking care of all the details.

On Thursday, the day before my departure to Tennessee, I went to have lunch with some old friends, and I was telling them this story, exulting in how God was blessing me with provision (but leaving out the fact that I didn't have enough to get home). When I finished, they told me a fascinating story of their own about how God had provided for them an extra $200. "Now I'm going to pass that along to you," the husband said, and with that, he handed me two $100 bills.

"OH!" I said, "I didn't tell you that story to hint to you that I was asking for money!" I said. "You don't have to give me anything! Really!" But he prevailed and I accepted, making a mental note to self that if you tell these kinds of stories to people, it may come across as manipulative or end up being a subtle way of hinting for money (suggesting compassion for the 'poor penniless missionary'). In this case, it wasn't; my only thought was to exult to them of the grandeur of God. However, after this happened, I determined that it would be better to wait to make it public until long after the fact, so that the details of my immediate pennilessness would not come out (which is why I'm telling this story now, a year later, instead of right when it happened).

I went on down the road, filling up my gas tank as needed along the way. God told me to give away $100 of it, which I did.

I arrived home Friday night with $50 left, and I waited to see how God would provide the next step. I needed to drive back to Colorado with a U-Haul trailer full of my stuff. He sent an encouraging token of His remembrance when the next Thursday, I found a card in my mailbox with a check for $50.

Fast forward to June 30. I found out that the U-haul rental would be about $200. My heart kind of sank thinking about the amount of gas that it would take to get back to Colorado while pulling a U-haul trailer, but I realized, "Why sit here pining away about this when I could just ask for it?" So I asked. "Lord, I need about $500. Can you provide that?" And His answer immediately came: "Done." Taken aback, I said, "Oh. Okay. Thank you!" I didn't know how or when He would do it, but I took him at His word.

That evening, I checked my bank account, which I hadn't done for at least a week. My eyes widened. Five days earlier, on the 25th, someone had anonymously transferred $1000 into my account. "Before they call, I will answer." My prayer of that morning had been answered five days earlier.

Two days later, God told me to give $300 of it away, which I did.

The next day, someone handed me a check for $400.

Do you start to see the marvelous details of how this is working?
•  I gave away $2000; I got $2000 back.
•  I gave away $100; I got $1000 back.
•  I gave away $300; I got $400 back.

I'm not building a "prosperity doctrine" here. I gave up what He asked freely, without expecting anything in return. However, I would like to ask, Is it possible to out-give the Lord? We need not hoard, grasp, clutch, or protest, "Let someone else give." We can live with an open hand.

We clench our little fists around our possessions because we are afraid that if we let go, we will lose everything--but when we open our hands and take the plunge into that fearful territory, we discover that we can live with absolute fearlessness and peace.

My dad loading the 5x8-foot U-haul

Anyway, getting back to the story, by the time I had to go back to Colorado, God provided everything I needed in order to rent the U-Haul trailer and make the long drive. Between the U-Haul rental, gas, food, and tolls, it cost approximately $700 to drive out to Colorado. Round-trip, the total travel expenses were about $1050. In the meantime, I gave away $400 and even started sponsoring a child with Compassion International for $38 per month. Being rich enough to give money away is wealth indeed, especially when just a minute ago, you had nothing. Beyond the travel expenses, I lived on the bounty that God had provided for the next month and a half while I worked on my book. Then, just before I ran out, He provided a job.

So that's the story of how God filled my gas tank all the way from Colorado to Tennessee and back, when I started with zero the night before my trip. How great is our God! Sing with me!

And that was only the beginning of the amazing work He was about to do. There was the story of the job, the guitar, the yard sale, and the house, and so many more little evidences along the way of His incredible work to lead me forward. Truly there is no limit to His ability.

How God Provided a Corolla

God continues to be good to me--better than I deserve. He proves to me His ability to provide.

I had the Blazer. It was God's provision of a vehicle. It was a tremendous help at just the right time. However, when I bought it last June, even then, I didn't want an SUV. I was so certain that I didn't want it that I almost didn't buy it. God changed my heart and I did buy it, and it ended up being extremely useful for the purpose of moving out to Colorado. Despite having 186,000 miles on it, it safely towed my heavy little U-haul trailer all the way across the country. Then once I got here, I thought to myself, "I'd better wait and see what winter is like." After all, there must be a reason why nearly all the other vehicles I saw on the road were 4-wheel-drive. Winter came and went, and I used the 4-wheel-drive exactly once, to move forward about two feet, so I thought it was time to get a gas efficient vehicle without regard to 4WD.

My dad trained me to keep records, so I had information from the time I bought the vehicle on each gas fill-up: odometer reading, miles driven, gallons, price per gallon, and total cost to fill up. I entered all this data in Excel and made some calculations. Based on my records of average gas mileage, miles I drove, and amount I had spent in gas, I stood to save $1000 per year if I went to a 30MPG vehicle. Therefore, I figured that if I spent $1000 more on a car than what I sold the Blazer for, I stood to come out even by the end of one year.

Armed with this data, I posted the Blazer on craigslist for $1600. This was only $50 less than I had paid for it. By now, my Blazer had 199,500 miles on it, the air conditioning compressor was leaking, and it was just in a general state of breaking down. Immediately, I got two interested buyers who bid each other up until the second person won out at $1800. Now I was selling it for more than I had paid for it, but here was where the logistical puzzle began: I couldn't sell it until I had found another vehicle to buy for myself, since I had no way to get back and forth to work otherwise. The interested buyer graciously gave me two weeks to find another vehicle.

A Honda with 150,000 miles on it for $1600--a mess!

I looked at a number of vehicles and it was rather disheartening to not be able to find anything like what I was looking for. Cars in my price range would seem to be a good deal, and then I would go to look at them, and they would be badly wrecked all over, or they would have higher miles than my Blazer, or the interior would have a dreadful smoke smell, or some other deal-breaker. I began to wonder if it wasn't better just to keep my Blazer after all, since at least it was a running vehicle with an engine that I trusted would start every time. It seemed like a huge gamble to trade for another old junker. I might get in a worse predicament.

I named it "Ivy."

Then I found a 1997 Corolla on craigslist for $3500 with only 110,000 miles on it. I went to look at it and the people said I was the first person who had expressed any interest in it, even though it had been on craigslist for several days. I thought to myself, "Is everyone else blind, or what?" I had a trusted friend who is a mechanic look it over and he declared, "This is the car you want to buy." The owners were a sweet Christian couple, and as we negotiated, they were willing to come down to $2800. Perfect! Exactly $1000 more than what I was selling the Blazer for! Just what I wanted! So I went and sold the Blazer, and then I met with the owners of the Corolla and we signed the paperwork and I paid them $2800.

This was the unexpected part:

They took a $100 bill off the stack and pushed it back to me and said, "Now, we've prayed about this, and we want you to have this to help with your title & registration fees. We want to be a blessing to you, and this is just our contribution to your ministry work."

Can I say WHOA!!?

Who does that?

So now I am the happy owner of a lovely little zippy Corolla, and I am already feeling the difference at the gas pump. Yay!!

Thank you Jesus! You are so good to me!!

He increased the Blazer by $200 and then decreased the Corolla by $800. I went from a 16MPG 199,500-mile vehicle to a 30MPG 110,000-mile vehicle for only $900 more. Is that amazing, or what?

Loaves, fishes, (and housing?) materializing out of nothing

And a great multitude followed him, because they saw his miracles which he did on them that were diseased. And Jesus went up into a mountain, and there he sat with his disciples. And the passover, a feast of the Jews, was nigh. When Jesus then lifted up his eyes, and saw a great company come unto him, he saith unto Philip, Whence shall we buy bread, that these may eat? And this he said to prove him: for he himself knew what he would do. Philip answered him, Two hundred pennyworth of bread is not sufficient for them, that every one of them may take a little.--John 6:2-7

He himself knew what he would do, yet he asked Philip, "What are we going to do about this?"

Is there ever a time when the Living God does not know beforehand what he is going to do? No, never.

Therefore, when He asks me, "What shall we do to provide for this need," I need not gasp, "I have no idea---who could afford to provide such a thing?" Jesus did not ask, "Do we have the money," he asked, "Where shall we buy bread," but Philip immediately jumped to the money aspect: it's going to cost this much money, and how in the world can we afford it?

In my case, Jesus says to me, "Where are you going to live," and He ALREADY KNOWS WHAT HE IS GOING TO DO, but I (predictable creature) instantly jump to the money aspect and say, "I don't know, I couldn't possibly afford it. What AM I going to do?"

Is He not saying this to try me? Ought not my response to be, "Thou knowest, O Lord"?

Jesus said to Philip, "Where is this bread going to come from," and the correct answer was that it was going to come from Christ Himself. Was Jesus proving Philip to see whether he would answer, "You, O Lord, will provide it"?

How could Philip conceivably guess what was going to happen, for who ever heard of bread materializing out of nothing? Yet Jesus knew what he was about to do, and He proved Philip to see how close he was to trusting Him to do something of that magnitude.

Whoever heard of housing materializing out of nothing? Yet what if Jesus is proving me to see how close I am to trusting that He can provide even this for me? So much for "two hundred pennyworth"---it would cost me ten years wages to buy a house. It is farther out of reach than a multitude-sized meal of loaves and fishes was to the disciples. And shall I not trust Him to do great things, Who proved Himself over and over again to His people?


***UPDATE***
February 8, 2014

The same week I needed to be out of the house, God orchestrated the most remarkable set of circumstances to bring me into the a lovely home of a Christian family who had an extra bedroom for rent. 

A new kind of job hunt

I have believed for a long time that in order to find a spouse, you don't go looking for a spouse; your future mate is wrapped up in the heart of God. Seek HIS heart, and you will find the treasures He has in His heart for you.  

So in the shower yesterday morning, a startling idea hit me:

What if I looked for a job like that? 

What if, in the heart of God, there is the perfect job, just for me, hidden away there? What if, in order to find this job, I must plunge deep into Him, delight in Him, know His heart, and discover a deeper intimacy with him? 

Sure, I could probably find a job myself. I could go down to the grocery store or the fast food joint, or apply on craigslist. But it wouldn't be that job.

I'm going to try it. I'll let you know how the experiment works.

And in the meantime, I'm just purely working for HIM, writing my book and seeing Him provide for me, and it is the most amazing experience ever. He takes such good care of me!


***UPDATE***
February 8, 2014

I promised to let everyone know how the experiment worked, and then I never posted the results. Oops. Thanks, Jonathan, for your comment alerting me to the fact. It's a pretty good story.

Basic result: IT WORKED.

But my faith was tested not a little in the carrying out of the experiment.

I wrote the above post on August 13. At that date, I still had a bit of money in the bank, so I wasn't urgently worried about my situation. I was also riding high on the confidence of how magnificently God had provided for me up until that point.

Two days later, on the 15th, I paid all my bills, and I gulped in alarm. I only had $24.10 left in my bank account. Now I really needed God to show up and make things happen. Whereas before I had felt like it would be literally impossible for me to ever reach the bottom of His supply for me, now I began to experience a tiny bit of doubt. "But what if I do run out?" began to be a question in my mind.

I wrote at the time, 

"A host of unwelcome visitors are knocking at my soul. Fear is knocking, impatience is knocking, doubt is knocking, self-effort is knocking, emotional overload is knocking, defeat is knocking, and if I open the door to one, the whole horde of unpleasant creatures will come sweeping in to wreak havoc on my peace, my faith, my confidence, and my assurance.
 "Guess what? I don’t have to let them in.

"I don’t have to come to the door, get close enough to hear what they’re saying, read the pamphlets they’re shoving through the window, or pay them the least bit of attention. Do you know where I’m going? To the closet. I’m going to be alone with Jesus, to cry out to Him, to ask Him to drive off these noisy pests from the door, and to ask Him to do something about it.  

"...Do you know what I did with the horde of angry, vehement characters beating on the door of my soul? I went to Jesus and I said to Him, as if He was my husband and could fill the role of answering the door and dealing with all the unsavory characters to send them packing, 

“Jesus, do you see all those people at the door? What do you want to do about them? They’re bothering me. Can you please take care of them?” And do you know what He did? He drove them away. 

 "And then, claiming my dependence on Him and the fact that I had staked everything on Him, I reminded Him of the fact that my bank account was almost empty and called on Him to do something about it. Do you know what He said? “Yes, it’s almost gone. But it’s not completely gone.” That gave me hope. I have never come to the bottom of His supply of resources. He has always provided for me. He has always come through for me. And I can confidently expect Him to do the same again." 

A couple of other things also helped to keep my perspective in place and not give way to doubt. One was that at the Set-Apart Girl conference back at the end of May, they had done a short promo for Compassion International, and each person received a packet to look at and prayerfully consider sponsoring a child. I had been through this before, and I had never felt prompted (or even permitted) to sign up for a sponsorship. However, as I looked at the picture of the child I had been given, the Lord filled my heart with love for that child and prompted me to support him. I initially fought it off. "This can't be right. I don't even have an income." I also argued with the choice of the child. The people to my right and my left had received packets featuring children from Haiti, and I considered asking to trade with them. I felt like Haiti made way more sense. I could write to the child in Creole, and maybe even visit him or her. But no. I had a clear and definite sense that my packet was being singled out as containing the child I ought to sponsor. So I signed up for the sponsorship, because I was pretty sure it would be disobedience not to. As I did so, I was struck by this thought: "Well, if God wants me to sign up to sponsor this child, then I can count on Him providing me at least $38 a month so that I can do it." 

Later, when I was being tested with this "new kind of job hunt," the Lord reminded me of my Compassion International child and asked me, "Do you think I will forget that child?"

"No," I replied, "of course not!"

"Then, my dear one, how can you doubt that I will take care of you?"

And I was instantly melted by His love and kindness and concern, and I felt my feet re-established onto the firm ground of faith that He would, indeed provide.

Another mainstay during that time was the hymn, "If Thou But Suffer God to Guide Thee." I memorized the words and sang it often, and I played it on my guitar just about every day. It served as a constant reminder of God's faithfulness and trustworthiness.

To get back to the story, right before my Compassion sponsorship payment was due, I received a cash gift of $50 from a lovely lady at my church in Tennessee, and I said to myself, "God remembered my Compassion child!" I also treated a friend to coffee and got some groceries, and when all was said and done, I had $18 left.

I couldn't help being a bit worried again. Where was this job that was hidden in God's heart for me? But He continued to press me towards Him, disregarding the outward circumstances. I had no expectation or guarantee of any income. There I was, running this unconventional experiment, trusting God for a job, and looking for it, not on craigslist, but in His heart, and I had $18.

Common sense dictated that desperate times called for drastic measures. My usage cycle on my phone went from the 22nd to the 21st of every month. I knew if I turned my phone off on the 21st, I would stop being billed for it (because I was going month-to-month), so I said to myself, "I can't afford my phone. If nothing changes by the 21st, then I will shut off my phone on the evening of the 21st." In the meantime, I continued to delight in the Lord and exult in knowing and being known of Him.

On the 20th, I received a $100 check in the mail. "Wow! I guess I don't have to turn off my phone!" I said to myself. It actually took more courage to leave my phone on than to turn it off, because I knew I had food and gas and other expenses in life, and by the time my bill came due again, that $100 would be eaten up, but I felt that the check was God's token to me that He had heard and remembered my need.

Since I didn't yet have a way to cash a check in Colorado, I went to open a bank account. The personal banker who opened my account was talkative and friendly, and he asked general questions about what I was doing with my life. I said that I had just moved to Colorado and that I was writing a book. "Oh..." he said, in that tolerant, polite tone of voice people sometimes use when they don't understand you at all, "That's a nice form of self-discovery." He asked a few sales-y questions like whether I owned or rented my home, and then he asked, "What concerns do you have?"

"Um, what do you mean? Concerns about the bank account?" I asked.

"No, just about money in general," he replied. "What keeps you up at night?"

"Nothing!" I exclaimed. "I don't worry about money at all." I was filled with a sense of awe and love for God, and I was overwhelmed with how rich I truly was. I was also amused by the thought of how mystified the banker would be if he knew that all I had in the world was eighteen dollars plus this check. Because I was depositing an out-of-state, handwritten check, I had to wait for the funds to clear, so the money wasn't yet available to me, but I walked out of the bank as if I was floating. I had God! What else could I want?

Over the next few days, as my funds continued to dwindle, I continued to delight in God, pursue him, and trust Him to do the impossible. Little things happened to remind me how little money I had. My gas tank was pushing closer and closer to empty. A friend of mine called and said she needed someone to bring her a couple of quarts of oil to where she was stopped on the side of the freeway, and I had to honestly tell her that I didn't have the money to buy the oil or the gas to get to her, and I had to ask another friend to help her out. But through the grace of God, I was kept in a happy state of rest and contentment.

I did little things to remind myself of how the money might be almost gone, but it wasn't completely gone. I found a ring that someone had folded for me out of a dollar bill. I have had it since I was a child, and it has sat in my jewelry box for years. I started wearing the ring, so that I could look down at it and say to myself, "But I haven't spent this dollar yet." I also found a sweet little envelope that some of the girls at my church had given me with some cash in it, and it still had a little bit left in it.

I went to Wal-Mart on August 24 and purchased four items with $10 of the last $13 from the envelope. As I paid the cashier, I lifted up my soul to the Lord with a little gesture of showing Him the three lonely little dollar bills. "Three dollars, Lord," I silently pleaded. What was He going to do?

As I left the check-out and started towards the exit, I passed by the in-store bank. A sign said they were hiring full-time personal bankers. I went over to the teller. "Hey, I just noticed you're hiring," I said. "I was just wondering, do you think this is a nice place to work?" She started telling me about the job, and then the manager came over. We had a conversation and he started asking me about myself. I talked about how I had just moved here from Tennessee. We laughed and really seemed to hit it off well, and I thought to myself, "Wow, I feel like I'm getting a pre-interview right here!" This was exactly what I felt like I needed, because my resume is such a hodge-podge of mission opportunities that it doesn't look extremely good for landing a job, and I figured it would land at the bottom of the stack unless someone talked to me, liked me, and saw that I would be able to do the job.

That day, August 24, was a Saturday. I went home and applied. Sunday, the manager called me and asked for an interview. Monday I interviewed, and Tuesday I started. And I have worked there ever since.

Whoosh!

Just like that!

The Lord certainly tested me, tried me, and brought me as close as possible to the end of my finances, but He did not fail me. His provision was allowed to look like it might fail, but it was never allowed to actually fail.

Someone else might be permitted to go out and look for a job the conventional way, and even in my own case, later on down the road, I might be out of a job again and be permitted to job hunt the way everyone else does. However, in this experience, I was allowed to see the heightened glory of God at work, as I proved His faithfulness and saw how mightily He Himself, without any help, rolled out the red carpet for me to have a job.

And then He did it again as I repeated the experiment with a new kind of house hunt.

God Provides A Guitar

When I went to Haiti, I went through a bit of instrument-withdrawal. I was so starved for playing the piano that one day I asked my roommates if anyone had a piano app on an ipad. Someone did, and I spent a little while doodling around with it, trying find a way to play "Rondo Alla Turca" on the tiny little touchscreen keyboard, and never really succeeding. But it satiated the urge for the time being, and I went away happy.

Later, my longing for an instrument came back with increasing intensity, and I appeared before the throne with a plea welling up from deep inside me:

"LORD, could you please provide a guitar?"

A guitar would be perfect. I had wanted to learn to play the guitar for a long time, and that summer I had taken one month of guitar lessons and then had continued practicing by myself with my instruction books, so I had made a beginning. A guitar is about the best missionary instrument I can think of--it's portable, you can sing along with it, and it is extremely versatile for lots of kinds of music.

The next day, I was talking with some short-term visitors who had come down to serve the kids in our creche, and one of them sat down in the schoolroom to talk to me while the kids were on their lunch break.

"What is your biggest WANT?" she asked me.

"A guitar!" I blurted out before I could stop myself. Then I felt awful for saying it, because I didn't want to hint or manipulate or ask for the guitar, but just watch God provide it. So I made a lame attempt to backtrack my words, but of course it was too late.

One of the other ladies who was sitting nearby joined in the conversation and said she knew some guitarists. "Let me see what I can do for you," she said. So when she went back home, she pulled some strings.

On December 6, I got an email from this woman.

"Rebekah, 

I am so excited to share this news with you. A very dear friend of mine has graciously given me a guitar for you. It was made by hand for her and she wants you to have it. She is an international bluegrass artist. She does not want to be recognized for the guitar. The gentleman who made it for her lives on the east coast and made it by hand. He used a very beautiful piece of wood and used mother of pearl inlay. It is coming to you in it's own hard case with strings, k-po (sp?), picks and a string tightener. Also, the guitar is alittle heavier than most. It is reinforced to hopefully hold up in Haiti weather. 

She hope that you will enjoy this with the children and she would love to see a picture of you & the kids playing the guitar. ___ is taking the guitar with her tonight to Indiana with all the other donations. It will be on the van being sent to the Creche loaded with donations for the children. Please let me know when you get the guitar. I am being told that the van is on its way to Haiti at the end of December. 

Love to you and the children."

She added two pictures of this BEAUTIFUL guitar.

I sent back my flabbergasted reply.

Oh my word! I don't know what to say! 

(Pardon me while I lift my eyes heavenward and gasp, GOD, THIS IS THE BEST CHRISTMAS PRESENT FROM YOU TO ME!!!!!) 

I am speechless. That is beautiful, beautiful, beautiful, beyond words, amazing, incredible... what can I possibly do to thank her--and you--and God??? 

Please know, and let this precious woman know, that her gift will be used lovingly, tenderly, and gratefully, protected with zealous care, and absolutely TREASURED, because it IS a treasure! I look at it as if it were sent straight down from from the storehouse of Heaven itself. It will be used to bless countless orphan children with a joyful noise and the rare opportunity to obtain musical instruction. It will be used for the praise and glory and honor of God, accompanying children's voices raised in song to the King of Kings and Lord of Lords. 

As a musician, I know, and I feel deeply, the heart-rending sacrifice it is to give up an instrument. It's scary enough to let another musician touch your instrument sometimes, let alone someone you don't even know, especially when it's such a special instrument, one that was hand-made for you. And to think of sending it off to another country where you will probably never see it again, in a climate you know is not good for it, is true selflessness and sacrifice in its purest expression. I do not take that lightly, and I know that God sees it and will bless that heart of giving one's best. 

"That other guitar"

So you said it was reinforced to hold up in the Haiti weather? That's great! Did they do that specially for sending it down here, or was that already done before? You saw how that other guitar was, so you know how essential that will be! Thank them for doing that--it will be sure to give it a longer term of useful service.
Grateful and humbled and blessed by this staggering generosity, 

Rebekah

I waited expectantly for the van to come down, and it finally did! However, it sat in the port in Saint Marc for weeks, and I was a bit anguished to think of the guitar sitting inside it, roasting in the heat. "Oh, Lord, please protect the guitar!" I pleaded again and again.

The van finally got out of port, and the guitar was not on it. I found out it had been left in Indiana, where they had loaded the van, and it was sitting safely in someone's living room. What a relief. Even though it meant that I had to wait longer to get it, it had been protected from getting needlessly ruined.

Over the course of the next few months, I exchanged emails occasionally with the woman who had made this guitar possibility come to life. She would ask if I had gotten it yet, and I would say no. Finally, the day came when it was time for me to leave Haiti, and I felt that in good conscience the right thing to do was to give the guitar up. It had been given for use in Haiti, and I was no longer in Haiti. I could not keep it.

I sent a message and offered it back, but they wrote and said to me that they wanted me to use it in ministry. It was a glorious day!

So as I drove through Indiana the other day, I stopped and picked it up. I was in the middle of an 800-mile journey home, but I couldn't wait. Right then and there, I tuned it up and played. The gorgeous, buttery, rich, deep sound just blew me away! I could not believe what God had done for me.

And now I have a guitar, and I practice it every day!

Is not my God an amazing, generous, all-powerful, extraordinary Father?

God's Token of Provision

God is so amazing.

The morning after I bought the car, someone anonymously left an envelope for me outside the front door of the house. No one saw who it was or knew where it came from. It merely said "To Rebekah" on the outside. I didn't recognize the handwriting.

Inside was a pretty little unsigned note with two Scriptures, and $50.

The note says,

"Therefore do not be anxious, saying, 'What shall we eat?' or 'What shall we wear?' For the Gentiles seek after these things, and your heavenly Father knows that you need them all. But seek first the Kingdom of God and his righteousness, and all these things will be added unto you." --Matthew 6:31-33 

"He leads the humble in what is right and teaches the humble His way...Who is the man who fears the LORD? Him will he instruct in the way that he should choose." --Psalm 25:9, 12

Just what I needed to hear, and such a blessing.

Just the day before, God had whispered to me that before I needed to fill up my gas tank again, He would provide for it. But I never expected it to come so soon!

Anonymous donor, if you're reading this, Thank You! I am sure it was given sacrificially. Thank you for being obedient to the Lord. He is able to give you much more than this. He used this in my life to show Himself strong and give me a token that He remembers me and is planning for my provision. I still don't know how that is going to unfold, but I trust Him to do everything that is necessary to show Himself strong on my behalf. Thank you for being the messenger of the Lord to tell me this. It is surely a blessing.

How God Provided a Chevy Blazer For Me

Ever since I got back to the US and felt that God was leading me to settle here for the time being, I have known that I needed a car really badly. My entire life savings that remained to me was just about exactly $2000, and I had looked at some cars on craigslist without really finding anything. The few vehicles that I did like were either sold before I contacted the seller or no one ever contacted me back. 

On Wednesday, I was driving back from doing some errands with a friend.  She and I had the sweetest, most God-centered conversation, and then we had a prayer time together in the car. When we were almost home, my friend had just started praying for my car situation and asking God to lead us to the right car for me. I was driving (her car), and just then we were at a red light with a car dealership on the corner. I had a strong feeling that I should pull in, but I dismissed the fact. I was passing by it and my friend interrupted her prayer to say, "I feel like we should go in here." I was shocked and told her that I did too! It was too late to get into the driveway, so I found a place to make a U-turn and we drove into the dealership. It was just a little corner lot selling used cars. The first car that we saw, a white Chevy Blazer, had a sign hanging from the rearview mirror that said $2000.

We talked to the dealer about lowering the price and he said he thought he could work with us. We left and told him we would be back later that day.

Back at my friend's house, I did a bit of online research on the Blazer to find out if it would be a good car.

We went back to the dealership later that evening and test drove the car, and getting into the driver's seat, I just immediately felt like "I don't want it. It's not what I want. It's not what I'm looking for." I wanted instead a good gas-mileage vehicle, like a Corolla or a Civic or a Saturn or something. 

After our test drive, we talked to the guy (who had stayed at least 30 minutes past closing time for us), and somehow we talked him down to selling it to us for $1200. With taxes and fees and licensing, it was going to end up being $1700 out the door. We told him we would give him a final decision by noon the next day. 

We went home and talked about it, and I told my friend that I didn't really want an SUV, and then we started looking online at cars, and we found a couple of nice little 4-door cars for $2000 and under, so I felt like I could easily hold out for something like that, but I also felt like if God wanted to change my wants and give me a different plan for a vehicle, I was open to that (even though the Blazer was only going to get 16 mpg). 

I mentioned something about how maybe cars would be cheaper in Tennessee and maybe I should fly home on a one-way ticket and get a car down there, where it would be cheaper, and then drive back out here with my stuff. My friend agreed that it would be a good idea, and then I thought, "Well, if I use up money to get home, I'll have even less, and then the kind of car I could afford would be even junkier..." so I said, "Maybe I should even think about getting like a summer job down there so that I can save up a bit of money for the car." My friend agreed. 

I thought, If I go home on a one-way ticket and look for a summer job, I will end up being just as stuck as I was before. There is no opportunity, no mobility, no way to really earn an income. It would be better for me to get that summer job here. So then I started looking at job sites and checking business directories and going onto company websites in the communications field and trying to figure out how I would apply for a position, and I started thinking about my resume and how lame it is, and how even though I know that I could probably do any job out there, my resume certainly doesn't reflect that, and unless someone knows me, they won't believe it, and I just went from site to site and from link to link and from idea to idea, collecting a bunch of leads but feeling hopeless about all of them (and not interested at all in the kind of work), until finally I just closed my tabs and turned off my computer and went to bed in tears. 

"Lord," I prayed, "I don't know how to do it. I don't know how to job hunt. I don't know how to operate in the world. I don't know what you want of me." I felt like I just needed an income, plain and simple. I named a sum and told the Lord that I needed that much every month, and that seemed so preposterous and outrageous that I couldn't believe I was even asking for it.

But He planted the thought in my mind that this was invitation to stretch my faith. Could I trust Him to provide my monthly income, as preposterous as it sounded?

I asked Him, "What is the path of obedience?"

He whispered back, "Write."

Over and over again, He has confirmed to me that this is His pathway for me. I really do feel like this writing venture is of the Lord. I really do think that He has something for me to say. He has given me a message. Over and over, He keeps confirming this to me through passages like "Behold, I have put my words in thy mouth," (Jer. 1:9).

Then I asked Him, "Where do I live?"

He said, "Here."

I asked, "Where do I get my money from?"

He said, "Me."

And I struggled to believe that this was possible. How could I just venture out on something like this, costing money to live? Wasn't that just crazy? And presumptuous?

But then He gave me a perspective changer.

"I called you to the mission field and you trusted me for your expenses, and I provided. Now I'm calling you to a different mission field. Just look at it as if it is a special mission field. Can you trust me to provide for what I have commanded you to do?"

And I discovered that I could answer, "Yes," and that I had peace about it.

I went to sleep trusting Him and was comforted from my tears.

The next morning, I was still wondering about the car. Even though I didn't really care about a Blazer and it had high miles, at the same time I wondered if this car was really a Godsend, especially with how far the dealer went down in price. It would almost wipe out my entire bank account, but I wasn't afraid to go down to my last pennies. I have done it many, many times before, and God has always provided and shown himself faithful and strong. The car seemed to be the first step to getting a job (if God chooses to provide for me in that way). And the Blazer has cargo room, so I could go get my stuff from home and bring it back out here, or pull a little U-haul and even get my bedroom suite. And then I could put my bike in the back, or a kayak, or go down and buy myself a bookshelf as I set up my little house...I even feel like God said that He has a house for me. I don't know what that means or how it's even possible, but I feel like this is the time for me to set up a home. As weird as that sounds...impossible almost...I can only wait on His leading and watch as He orchestrates these details.

Anyway, during the morning, as I prayed, the Lord totally changed my heart and convinced me that it was His will for me to buy this car.

We went down to the dealership and found that it was actually $50 cheaper than the dealer expected it to be, due to the fact that my address was outside city limits for taxes. I handed over the money, signed all the paperwork, and drove away in my new (old) Blazer. I set up my insurance, got an emissions test, and filled the gas tank. 

That night, before I went to sleep, I talked to the Lord about it, and I felt like He whispered to me, "Before you need to fill up your gas tank again, I will have provided the money for it." I laid back on my pillows, overwhelmed at how He is watching over me. 

***Read tomorrow's post for how He already filled my next gas tank! He showed Himself so strong on my behalf with a token of His provision for me.***

You're Not Allowed To Be Needy

Needy People (1) 

We went to the store in Saint Marc the other day, and while we were there, word went around that a vehicle with white people had just come up to the store. When we came out with our purchases, there were a ton of women with babies, all with their hands out, all demanding that we give them something.

It felt horrible to be so accosted, just because we were white and just because we were coming out of "the store." How could they understand how delicate our own financial situation was, how carefully we had to manage our own resources, and how fully each of us had to trust God for the food that we ate? To them we just looked like rich people, because we were driving a car and buying things with debit cards.

It also felt horrible to not give them anything when we knew they truly were hungry. If we had started giving anything out, we would have been mobbed, and our car would have been marked for next time as a car that gives things away, and so next time we would have been mobbed as soon as we drove up.

We drove away, and for the next few days, I was filled with a sense of the unpleasantness of it all. One side of me was preparing retorts that I wished I had had the presence of mind to say at the time, like, "Yeah, you have one baby to feed. Try providing for 180," or "Do you have any idea how many days in a row I have had to eat peanut butter and jelly?" The other side of me was grieved at the condition of the people, and I was frustrated by the knowledge that I really did not know how to deal with it in my own soul.

Overarching it all, though, was an annoyance that I had to deal with it at all. "Why can't they just go away and leave us alone?" I wondered. "Why do they have to come up and bother us?"

Needy People (2)

The kids have picked our front porch as their favorite place to play. They play there until it is time to go to bed, and the air is filled with shouts and laughter and the normal sounds of play. Balls and toy cars roll back and forth, and games of tag produce shrieks of excitement. Most of all, though, the kids just want to be near us. They want to be noticed. "Look! Look!" "Do you see?" "Watch this!" They crave attention. They want love. They want us.

Usually I am right in the thick of everything, with a crowd of kids around me, but one night, at the end of a particularly intense day, I just wanted to go away and be by myself. I hid in the house. Still, the noisy chatter echoing just through the doorway started to grate on my senses. I didn't really know what I wanted, but part of me seemed to be yearning and longing for something, and part of me wanted to cry, and part of me was restless and unable to enjoy reading or any other activity I could think of. I was accosted by thoughts like, "I never want to have children as long as I live," and "I can't wait to go home." Again, that annoyance came back to me. "Why can't they just go away and leave us alone?" I thought. "Can't they pick a different place to play?"

(I hate to admit to the world that I have experienced these awful thoughts, but there they are, in all their ugliness.)

You're Not Allowed to Be Needy!

I think the puzzling aspect in common between these two stories is that (1) I am usually abundantly generous and (2) I usually love children. Yet in these two cases, I experienced great annoyance that someone would presume on my generosity or my love of children and expect me to give it.

Is it human nature, or is it just me?--to discover that I am happy to give (of myself or my money), but only as long as you don't come across as too needy or too demanding.

"I'll give to you," I seem to say, "but only if you're not needy. You're not allowed to be needy. Once you start to be needy, I will begin to withdraw from you."

I will buy you lunch if you're my friend, and I won't even expect you to buy me lunch in return, but if there's any hint that you are going to sap my resources and suck me dry, I probably won't buy you lunch even once.

I will play with children and be a "big sister" with all my heart, but when I'm expected to be mom, um, that's an investment of time and energy that I shrink away from.

I will give you attention and show you love, but when you start to act like your world revolves around me, that's not okay, and I will run the other direction.

But God doesn't say to be a cheerful giver only to the ones who are "not needy."

In fact, he cautions against giving to the rich. He specially highlights the widow and orphan (society's neediest) for our attention. He doesn't offer caveats like "minister only to the deserving poor" or "love the ones who don't have Reactive Attachment Disorder."

So What Am I Supposed to Do?

Good question. I'm still asking Him for wisdom on that one.

But some answers have come.

Timothy Keller, in his book, Ministries of Mercy, traces the source and origin of poverty to the fall, and highlights the fact that all of us are needy. We ourselves are recipients of mercy. His insights into what the Bible says about the poor smote me to the heart and caused me to repent of my supercilious attitude towards the women in outside the store in Saint Marc. No more did I wish to have a ready retort for them. How can I show them mercy instead? If I have nothing to give, I can at least mirror Peter and John's approach ("Silver and gold have I none, but such as I have give I thee...") How can I impart the love of Jesus, even in this kind of encounter? (And how do I avoid the equally egregious pitfall of saying, "Depart in peace, be ye warmed and filled," without giving them what is needful for the body?)

Unlimited Resources 

In withdrawing from those who are needy, I tend to excuse it as a survival mechanism or a self-defense technique, using language to myself like "parasite" or "sapped" or "burned out." I tell myself I "need space," I look at the benefits of "recharging," and I consider it isn't wrong to leave a person to God and not always consider myself God's answer to that person's need.

True, true.

But this kind of thinking reveals a perspective of limited resources. I only have so much money, time, energy, and reserve before I need to replenish.

What if I looked at everything from the perspective of unlimited resources?

God has unlimited resources. All of us are needy before Him. We are always crying, coming to Him, needing His aid. He never turns us away with an annoyed look and says, "No, you're too needy right now. You're not allowed to be needy." He has merciful, bountiful care for all of the needy people in the world at the same time. He never runs out of love, patience, attention, or wisdom to attend to our needs. He always has enough resources to provide the supplies we need, even when we are like little leeches on Him, sucking, sucking, sucking, and never giving back. He freely gives grace, finances, strength, and peace.

Do I, or do I not, have the mind of Christ?

Scripture says that I do.

Then my mind ought to be equally disposed give to the needy around me.

How does God give? Does He worry that He will run out? Does He question whether the person is worthy? (The answer would always be no, wouldn't it?) Does He look at how many times that same person has been needy in the past and has applied to him for aid? Does He experience a rising feeling of panic that He will never be able to get away from this needy person if He once starts to give?

No.

So how can I practically enter into accessing God's unlimited resources for the needy people around me?

For starters, I can recognize that I walk in obedience. For everything God has called me to do, I can expect Him to supply out of the bottomless aquifer. The women begging outside the store are perhaps outside my call to obedience, unless God specifically prompts me to give in a certain instance (which He has done before, and which I have heeded). In any case, I can expect God to provide for them with or without using me as a tool to give them something. I need not feel annoyed that they beg, but rather love them and feel compassion that circumstances have compelled them to resort to begging.

Secondly, I can confidently and fearlessly spend myself wherever God calls me to do so. I can offer myself a living sacrifice and go all the way down into death if need be, if God should so desire. I need not attempt to keep a "reserve store" of energy or love or funds, because I have discovered that as I draw from His supply, He constantly replenishes that supply as much and as often as needed. My supplies ran out long ago. Everything I have is from Him. The children who surround me every day are the calling that God has currently given me. If I look to Him for the love and kindness that I spend on them, I need not ever feel annoyed at their neediness or sense that I have run out of anything to give them.

Conclusion

The next time I am tempted to protest, "You're not allowed to be needy!" I can stop and reconsider, and change my story to, "I'm not allowed to be the judge of your neediness--I will obediently and cheerfully follow God into whatever He calls me to do for you."

The key is God's call. I could start looking around and seeing neediness all around me, and it would be overwhelming, even should the entire world try to invest in relieving the needs. The only variable on my end is obedience. I must look up, not around, and merely obey, not try to invent ways for myself to be heroic and save the world. God has already done everything needful to achieve that. I simply enter into His initiatives, and when that involves giving to the needy (which it frequently will), I can freely and bountifully do so because of His power working in me.

Jesus, the Bread of Life vs. Peanut Butter and Jelly

It was February 3, and I was making my lunch. "Oh, Lord, not peanut butter and jelly again!" I sighed inwardly. I inspected my bread closely, picked off a little bit of green mold from the crust, threw it in the trash can, and spread the rest of the slice with peanut butter and jelly, with a little frown on my lips and a mild feeling of revulsion in my stomach.

Suddenly my complaining attitude received a check.

"You have Jesus."

Instantly, I saw it. I have a treasure of inestimable value in Jesus. I have incomparable riches, right here, now! I am vastly, extravagantly blessed.

A smile spread over my face and a genuine happiness came into my heart. My eyes lit up and the feeling of revulsion and complaining disappeared. I started praising Jesus aloud as I contemplated who He is to me and how grateful I am for Him. He transformed my attitude as I fixed my gaze on Him.

"Jesus! You are my bread, my water, my living delight. I praise you for being in my life. I thank you for the food you have provided for me. It doesn't matter what I eat or if I eat. I have you, and I will have you forever, and I will feast on the riches of your presence and enjoy the glories of the treasure that you are. You are more wonderful than a gourmet buffet. You are richer than chocolate. You are more to me than all the flavorful and tasty foods in the world. I offer myself anew to you, and I delight anew in the enjoyment of have you in your completeness available to me all the time."

Jesus as the bread of life became so real to me in that moment.

For the rest of the day, whenever I thought about food, spontaneous praise arose from my lips and I renewed my verbal declarations of delight in Jesus as better than any food.

And how tender and loving He is! He provides! That very day, I got the unexpected gift of a barbecued chicken dinner. Someone else gave me some deviled eggs and potato salad, which I put on a plate in the refrigerator for the next day's lunch. Since then, I have had more variety of food choices in my diet--cabbage stir fry, a can of tomato basil soup, fruits like grapefruit, banana, and mango, an exquisite dinner at the buffet at a neighboring resort last Sunday, and the gift of a dinner ticket for the buffet here. How tenderly He cares for His children, and how adequately He provides!

He provides Himself first, and He is more than enough. But because He knows our weakness and knows that we are but flesh, He also provides for the satisfaction and nourishment of our bodies. He provides more than we deserve and better than we expect. What a matchless thing it is to be in His service!