Resuming this story where I left off

Edit: The interface on this website has become impossibly buggy and unpleasant to use. Future updates will be posted at busyprofessionalchristian.com.

Hard to believe how much time has passed since I was writing about this. I reached the point of writing the previous post and I was unable to go on. It was all still too raw. And I felt afraid to go on, knowing what things transpired that I had yet to write about. Now, I'm going to venture to try this again. I need to do this for me. I need to tell the story. The whole thing. I need to process the emotions that it stirs up - emotions that have been buried and stifled for a very long time. I need to tell this story, and see it for what it was. I need to grieve this. So I am going to make the attempt again. 

Obviously - my memory is not quite as sharp on all the details as when it was fresh, and my perspective has shifted on how to interpret what I went through. But I very definitely know what the "big events" were.  

Just as a way of getting back into the story after all this time, I went back into my email to see what was in my inbox around February 7.  

This email exchange gives a good sense of my mindset at the time. It's an interesting experience to see how different my mindset was then from how it is now.

Feb 7, 2013 - from a friend to me

Rebekah you've gotten severely sick twice now. The next time could kill you. Do you think maybe God is telling you to come home? I'm praying for you but I am also very worried about you. Please stay safe

My reply to my friend: 

Haha! No freaking out allowed! Absolutely none! My dear, I am very honored that you care about me, but this is definitely not God's way of trying to tell me to go home--it's the enemy's way of trying to tell me that I am too much of a threat to his kingdom and he's not too happy about the continued battle wounds he is receiving at the trust of the sword of truth. This unstoppable gospel freight train is making too much headway too far into his realms for him to be comfortable about it, and he is waging war with every level of opposition at his disposal. Well, that's just cause for rejoicing. 

And as for the third time being the end of me, I will not die. N-O-T D-I-E. I probably have many more things coming my way before this work is done (dengue fever? destroyed lung function? Deet-induced cancer? repeated malaria? repeated cholera? motorcycle accident? kidnapping? rape? loss of a limb? etc.), but absolutely none of these things move me, neither the ones already passed nor the ones forboded for the future. I will die at the end of my life, and not before. 

In Christ I triumph. All things are under His feet. I laugh at danger and impending doom. I am in Him, and He is in me, and we are inseparable, and that is all that matters. 

Love ya! 

Rebekah

My friend replied a few minutes later: 

Still worried about you woman!!!! Love you please be safe!!!

I wrote back:

I said no worrying allowed! Let's look at the Lord's face. Is He worried or confused or stressing about about what's happening to me? No? Then let us take our cue from Him and walk in perfect trust, resting in the assurance that He is sovereign, in control, the boss, the one who says a mere word and it happens. 

And besides, if you worry about me when I'm not even worried about myself (I'm sitting here smiling and perfectly content), then you will just add unnecessary lines to your face and subtract extra minutes from your sleep. No need to do that, friend, no need at all!

R

Observations looking back at this...

- How naive I was. 

- In a way, I cringe at the way I was so convinced that "all this was the enemy" and "the enemy felt so threatened" and that's why we were "under attack." My perspective is very different now. Now I see it as just that I was involved in a very unhealthy organization, working under a very toxic leader, and completely blind to that fact. But if I had realized the fact, I would have been well within my rights to depart at any point without needing to over-spiritualize it or wonder if I was "going against God's calling."  

- I can't help but notice my very "Ellerslie language" in all of this... "Let's look at the Lord's face. Is He worried or confused or stressing about about what's happening to me?" This is basically me just parroting Eric.

- In a way, I look back on that version of myself and miss being that way. That dauntless, fearless, triumphant attitude I had... I genuinely felt invincible, even though I had just gotten really sick, twice.

- I thought I was being a good testimony of faith in the way I told my friend not to worry. Now I just see it as being dismissive of her concerns. I don't blame her for worrying. 

- It's hard not to see myself as "willfully blind" or "blinding myself" or "closing my eyes to the realities that were all around me." It's so obvious now. But at the time, I was so genuinely believing the fairy tale of whatever Heather wanted to spin. I was dismissing red flags, yes. But it was because I was trapped in a belief system that prohibited questioning or examining anything. And at the time, I was obedient and non-confrontational enough that I just kept going on and letting things play out as they did. I regret that I did that. I hope that I am braver and more aware now. And it gives me so much compassion for anyone who is trapped in a situation where they are surrounded by lies but they're defending the very people who are lying to them. I walked through that.