Friday, February 28, 2014

How To Pursue A Godly Girl

I was looking at the stats for what keywords led people to my blog, and I was intrigued by this one, so it inspired a post.

"how do i pursue a girl from a godly..."

I don't know what the rest of the phrase was, because it was truncated, but whatever it was, I assume the guy was looking for how to pursue a godly girl in a non-creepy but effective way. Google probably directed him to my blog because of this post. So to that guy, if you revisit my blog, and to anyone else who's interested, here is my perspective on how you could absolutely wow the heart of a godly girl and attract her attention.

In what follows, I have chosen to use the first person, "I," rather than the impersonal third person, "she," partly because I am speaking for myself and this is what I really do think, but partly because when I tried to put it in terms of "she," it seemed like no one would believe that a girl could actually think this way. Maybe no one else but me does think this way, in which case this will end up being a bit awkward, as if it was a how-to guide on how to pursue me. Gulp. That is most definitely not my intention, and the thought that it might be taken this way is almost enough to dissuade me from posting this at all. However, I suspect that other ladies are out there who are living set-apart lives, posing a mystery and an almost unsolvable-puzzle to the guys around them. I think of single godly women I know who are absolute jewels, and curiously, they are not getting snapped up. Perhaps some clearly-articulated insights will help.

The territory is completely different--the godly girl cares about other things than your salary or your muscular build. The pursuit is unique--in a very real sense, you must pursue Jesus in order to pursue her. The conquest is on a completely different plane than the average dating or courtship relationship. The prize is not cheap, but the treasure you stand to win is priceless.

The Territory

1) I am pursuing Jesus. I am only looking at Jesus. I am already in love with Jesus. So for you to get me to notice you, you will have to be so much like Jesus that I start seeing Jesus in you. When I start admiring your Christlikeness, my love for Jesus will love Jesus in you. When self has disappeared so completely that Christ is the only thing visible shining out of your life, then you will make it onto my "eligible" list.

2) Do not begin by asking me out. I will immediately be suspicious, and it will cause me to be closed up to you. I'm not interested in going out for coffee with you, or lunch, or dinner, or a movie. But I will be happy to be friendly to you in natural, everyday situations in a group setting, where I can interact with you without being singled out. I have to have a chance to see you, talk to you, and not feel threatened by the possibility of hidden, ulterior motives that you might have. I must see you pursuing Jesus harder than you are pursuing girls, or I will remain closed to you.

3) My heart is like a walled garden, tended and kept and cultivated with great care and attention. The flowers and fruits of my garden are not just for the picking by any casual passerby. I have a lot of practice and motivation to keep it very well guarded, for the treasures inside are valuable and worth protecting. This is not to say it is impenetrable, but in order to be invited in, you must win my trust. You are allowed to knock, but you must also be resilient enough to accept that during the friendship stage of a relationship, I am even guarding it against you. Since guarding my heart is my default position, even the man who is God's best for me will have to come up against the closed door at the beginning.

4) If I like you, think about you often, or begin to feel romantically attracted to you, I guarantee you I will not show it. I will not single you out. I will not flirt with you. Not even a little bit. I will take it to the Lord, lay it at His feet, ask His counsel on the matter, and leave it there. I am waiting for you make the first move. Unless you take the initiative, you will hopefully never know that anything was going on in my heart. My love is like a massive reservoir, and my finger is in the dyke, and I am resolved not to take my finger out of the dyke until I am absolutely convinced that you are "the one." (For when I let my finger out of the dyke, the massive, untapped torrent will all come gushing out--for you--and I need not waste a drop on others.) 

5) A glance of your eyes, the way you move, or the sound of your voice may cause me to feel butterflies in the pit of my stomach. My heart beats faster, I feel giddy with a sort of rare ecstatic emotion, and I become distracted and can't think. However, a handsome, suave unbeliever may awaken the same feelings in me. I know this from experience. Therefore, I take no stock in butterflies. I understand the danger of being swept away by emotion, and how a girl blinded by emotion can make stupid, stupid decisions. I am not about to become a casualty of emotion. I hold myself firmly in check, keeping myself on the safe ground where reason has veto power over emotion. Thus, you must convince my reason and awaken my emotions--a high calling when my reason expects you to be like Jesus before it will relent. 

The Pursuit

Pursue the godly girl by pursuing Jesus. Jesus has someone for you, and that person is hidden in His heart. Seek His heart, and you will discover the rich treasure He has prepared for you. Fail to seek His heart, and you will never find her.

Nothing can happen without God. God can open my heart to you far better than you could ever contrive to do so yourself.

If you come up to me and declare your love or state your intention to win my heart, I will immediately direct you to my father, so be prepared to talk to him first. However, I will respect you for your courage and honor, whether or not anything comes of it.

If instead you invite me to go on a date, I will hem and haw and look for some excuse to refuse. This is not because I am necessarily opposed to you, but because I am uncomfortable with the method. Why? Because I know the power of emotion. When you fall in love, you cannot simply hit the "undo" button and go back to the way you were. And I know that certain situations (like being alone with a man in a romantic setting, hearing his compliments, and looking into the warm depth of his eyes) are favorable to finding Cupid's darts suddenly lodged in your heart. I intend to not place myself in a situation where I could be overpowered with more emotion than I can handle, unless I have already decided (with my father) that I accept your pursuit and will allow you to begin to win my heart.

If I have accepted your pursuit, feel free to pursue! Discover the techniques that delight my heart more than all others. Bring me flowers and chocolate, invite me to do things, write me love letters--and I will write them back--but don't stop there. Do the things with me that we both mutually enjoy because of our fervent love for Christ. Press me towards him by inviting me to labor with you in hours of prayer. Encourage me to take strides forward in evangelism, in humility, in studying the Word. The more you make me love Jesus, the more I will love you for it. On the other hand, the moment I sense that you are competing with or diminishing my love for Jesus, I will begin to withdraw from you. Nothing can interfere with my relationship with Him, for He is supreme, and He has already won my heart.

The Conquest

Winning a godly girl's heart is unlike any other kind of conquest. The worldly conquest involves chemistry, impressing her (with cars, biceps, etc.), and experimenting to see if you're compatible. The nominal Christian conquest involves seeking God's will, saving yourself for marriage, and resolving tenaciously not to let it fall apart. 

But winning the godly girl's heart is altogether beyond these things. 
  • Without diverting her gaze for even a moment from Jesus, but rather establishing and directing it towards Him even more fully, you have successfully positioned yourself where she can also see you, and where drawing towards you would only bring her nearer to Christ. 
  • Without lessening her overwhelming love for the altogether lovely One, you have only strengthened her love for Him while at the same time allowing her to discover an increased capacity for love that includes you, too. 
  • Without diverting her full-throttle pursuit of Jesus Christ, you have so inspired and challenged her by your own wholehearted sprint towards the Savior that you have lent wings to her feet and a smile to her lips, until she is convinced that as long as she was near you, the two of you would cheer each other on towards Him. 

How did you do that, sir? Surely it was only by the enabling power of God himself. That was a conquest, indeed, and you have won a treasure indeed.

Edit: Material added 4/19/2016

It came to my attention through some of the comments that I was writing the above with the assumption that the reader wasn't actually a godly man...just someone who needed to be MADE godly, who was merely tacking on Jesus as one more attraction in the typical worldly list of salary and good looks and so forth. And therefore my expectations came across as extreme and exhausting. However, assuming that the guy IS godly, assuming that he DOES follow Jesus with everything he's got, there would be a whole different dimension to this blog post.

Though I trespass greatly on your patience by the length of this section, let me go back and just take that detail into account and explore my points again. In what follows, I am technically speaking of a hypothetical guy, but the Lord has also given me the privilege of meeting and knowing guys who actually do live this out, and so there is a real Mr. X and Mr. Y and Mr. Z of whom I am thinking in composite as I write what follows. (Not to imply that these steps are actually currently happening between me and any real person, just that the type of guy I'm talking about really does exist. And I use the pronoun "you" primarily because it's a parallel construction to the "you" I used above, not because I'm subtly hinting to a particular person.)


The Territory

1) In spite of my wholehearted pursuit of Jesus, I can't help but notice that my path has crossed with this guy who is absolutely in love with Jesus. Jesus is shining out of you. In fact, you have far outpaced me in your hot pursuit of more of God. If I were to describe you to someone, I would simply have to say, "He's just a lot like...Jesus." And my heart begins to burn with the realization that here, indeed, is a man who is definitely on my "eligible" list. If you were to pursue me, you would be encouraged. No longer am I praying, "Oh, Lord, please don't let him notice me or think of me;" no longer am I thinking of the most graciously-worded refusal that I can come up with if you were to approach with any more intentions than "just friends."

2) I have already watched you pursue Jesus with focus, tenacity, and zeal. It is clear that you're pursuing Jesus harder than you're pursuing girls. I have run into you here and there and I have seen you living for the glory of God. When we have had the occasion to interact or collaborate on a project, I haven't felt like you had ulterior motives towards me or other girls. When you were unaware of being observed, I have seen you doing things that were honorable and showed your character, and my respect for you has gone up again and again in these little moments that you were unaware were even significant. You didn't begin by asking me out--but now that I have had time to see all these things about you, you are more than welcome to ask me out.

3) You have handled the friendship stage of our relationship with discretion and honor, without ever once making me feel like you were going to scale the wall of my garden unbidden or take from its fruits by coercion or manipulation or subtlety. Now I trust you. And therefore I might cautiously begin to offer some of the deeper things, some of the hidden things, some of the tender things from my heart, and as you treat those things gently I will bring more things bit by bit--starting with words, the places we go in conversation, the amount I let you see of the things are truly important to me. Everything in its proper season: there is a time for everything, and little by little this garden in all its beauty will unfold and the gates will open.

4) You have made the first move, and so now I no longer have to suppress my every emotion and place this possibility again and again before God and leave it with him. So if I feel like there is a spark in my eye, I will let it flash out to you with a twinkle and a smile. If I feel like being near you, I'll go ahead and sit by you. That hole in the dyke has been allowed to trickle forth with its first few drops. Get ready, because the flood is coming.

5) When my heart beats faster, and I feel giddy with a sort of rare ecstatic emotion, and I become distracted and can't think, it's about you--and no longer do I suppress it or turn it off or take no stock in it, because my reason and my emotion are together on this one: Reason says emotion is allowed to go there for you, even if reason gets carried away with it in a torrent that sweeps me off my feet. 

The Pursuit

You have pursued Jesus long before you ever pursued me, and he has begun to pull out some of His hidden treasures for you, one of which is a gift that He has kept specially for you.

At the same time, He opened my heart so that I reciprocated when you initiated pursuit. 

My father couldn't be happier to contemplate having a man of your caliber dating his daughter.

And I am totally on board with the idea. So now I'm delighted to sit down with you in a romantic setting, look into the warm depth of your eyes, and let Cupid work his magic.

The thing is, our friends think we come up with the weirdest dates. Why would we want to go to an all-night prayer meeting, or stand outside of the local nightclub at 10:00 on a Friday night and hand out tracts and witness to the people standing in line to get in? Why are we both totally psyched about planning honeymoon ideas like going to the slums in Nairobi or the garbage dump in Manila to pour out our lives for others? How is it that we get excited by sitting down for an afternoon to write letters of encouragement to the persecuted church or put together a care packet for the orphans we're sponsoring? Our friends don't understand it at all, and yet we're as giddy as little children at Christmas doing these things.

The Conquest

As we walk forward together, I marvel before God at the incredible gift He has given me. 
  • Somehow you never seem to divert my gaze from Jesus for even a moment to shift it on yourself. It's an incredible thing to see your humility in constantly exalting Jesus Christ and your willingness to point me continually towards Him without regard to yourself. But because we're both drawing near to Jesus, we are by default drawing nearer to each other. 
  • I find that my love for the Beloved of Heaven has not diminished at all by you being in my life--because in the process He has increased my capacity to love so much more than I ever dreamed possible, that neither one of us feels the least bit like the other person is competing with our First Love. 
  • Your relentless sprint towards the Savior is something that lends wings to my feet and a smile to my lips. You have led and discipled me, inspired and challenged me, and never once did you divert my full-throttle pursuit of Jesus Christ onto lesser objects. When we're together, we find that the two of us cheer each other on towards Him and towards the glory of God.


Is that still exhausting? I hope not. It's not meant to be--it's meant to be just a picture of living the Christian life. (Is the Christian life exhausting? Not to the one who knows the grace of God, Isaiah 40:28-31.)


A practical point that I think it's important to clear up: Where I said I would "immediately direct you to my father," I think that needs a bit of qualification.

I come from the conservative subculture that embraced courtship. In the two years since I wrote this post, I have come to see some of the unrealistic parts of the model that I grew up with, and realize how some of them were still sticking in my thinking at the time of the original writing and need to be clarified. I imagine this will also help to shed light on anyone pursuing a girl from this background.

I know of a lot of stories where in order to start a courtship, the guy had to know that he wanted to pursue a relationship with the intention that it would end in marriage, and the girl had to say yes to courtship with the knowledge that the guy was pursuing her with the intent to marry her.

The attempt was to avoid "practicing for divorce" by refusing to adopt mere "casual dating," but the unintended result was that many relationships had to go from zero to "practically engaged" with no space in between. This is a huge gap to bridge, and what if you don't know a person well enough yet to know you're ready to go that far? And yet if the only way to have enough access to the person is to start courting, it means the guy has to at least say he's willing to go all the way, and the girl then has to accept based on the idea that it's going to go all the way, and if it doesn't, the couple and all their relatives and friends are heartbroken at the failure, as if it was practically a divorce. And so this whole model ends up tending to commit the exact same error that it set out to avoid.

Therefore I have concluded that it's not necessarily the model I want for my own relationships, particularly in the way that it skips the whole "getting to know you" stage and acts as if it doesn't exist or isn't needed. Case in point: I grew up feeling quite threatened by even the thought of someone asking for my phone number. Looking back, I realize that I felt threatened because I had bought into the courtship model so completely that I myself didn't have a category in my head for "just getting to know you." There was no such thing as that. Why would a guy want to get to know me unless he wanted to marry me?

Now, if a guy came up to me out of the blue to declare his love or state his intention to win my heart, then yeah, I would probably still direct him immediately to my father (and I would be flattered if he was on my eligible list and give him every possible encouragement, or I would be creeped out if he was just a mediocre shallow person or a stranger and I would use the excuse to have my dad do the dirty work and tell him off). BUT--I have come to the realization that most relationships will not start that way, and in fact it would be rare to find any that did. Relationships start way more organically than that. There's a stage at the beginning where you're just getting to know each other, which I didn't always know about.

And so what I want to clarify is that I would NOT immediately direct a guy to my father if he merely asked for my phone number or wanted to go out for coffee. There's a place for casual conversation without trying to turn it into the beginning of a courtship with all the formalities that typically wouldn't come until the time of the engagement.

[Just another whole area where it's easy to overlap and confuse true godliness with mere cultural expectations.]


  1. Amen! There is indeed another girl on the other side of the world who thinks, and by His grace, lives this way. The surest way to get me to close up is if I sense a guy trying to 'impress' me. Instead, I'm far more impressed by his single-eyed focus and pursuit of Jesus. Thank you for this post and the post you linked to :)
    - Annie

    1. Hi Annie! Thanks for reading. I'm glad it was a blessing, and since I dared to go ahead and post this, it gives me a sense of relief to know that I am not the only one. :-) (Are you the Annie that I know, or a different one? How did you come across my site?)

    2. Hi Rebekah! I'm fairly sure you don't know this Annie. Melanie K introduced me to your other blog, Single Satisfaction, last year (which was truly a blessing) and from there I found this blog. :) (I 'met' Melanie in ?2011? via her blog then entitled Forever His Servant, although living in Australia, I haven't had a chance to personally meet her yet.) Lovely to meet you!
      - Annie Joy

    3. So nice to meet you, Annie! Welcome to my blog--and perhaps one day we shall meet in person as well. How cool that you know Melanie too!

  2. Hi Rebekah! thank you for your blog; it is so inspiring! i think the same way as you do, the reason why i love what you've jotted down. GOD bless you! :) -may

    1. Hi May! Thanks for visiting! I'm glad you have a similar perspective. How did you come to think this way?

  3. great blog, I like it. I have been either lied to, or dont believe God will have someone I will like. I still need to choose to pursue her I like her, Im not gonna lay back and let women I like pass me by in hopes shell one day land in my lap. everyone has their own opinions I guess. I would only do all of this if she was my own desire, and not something else God would just hand off to me.

    1. Hi Jonathan, thank you for your comment. I hope that God is working in your life and keeping you in His love. I think it is a mistaken notion to think that a) God is just going to make things land in our lap without any effort of our own and b) What He gives us will be something we don't like. What I said about pursuing the girl by pursuing Jesus is different from thinking that living as a Christian means we don't get to choose and things just and in our laps.

      I went more in depth into the concept of seeking God's heart for the gifts that He has for us in my post "A new kind of job hunt," here:
      I don't want to create the impression that this kind of seeking God's heart is a passive thing--it's an extremely active thing, but it's just a redirection of your activity from the direct pursuit of the [girl/job/house/etc.] to the direct pursuit of God. As you wait on Him, He speaks, shows you the next step, asks for your obedience, and builds something that you would never have thought of.

  4. You are so dead on. A guy that's interested in me told me that I seem to be reserved. He can't tell if I like him or not. I'm nice to him but I'm looking at his lifestyle thinking he has a long way to go to win my heart. I printed this article out and gave it to him. I told him that this is me in a nutshell. 🙏

    1. Hi Determination Guru, glad my article was able to be of use to you. Did he go away when he read the article? I would hesitate to rejoice if it was given to him in the spirit of belittling him for his unspirituality. Hopefully not... and hopefully you have successfully resolved the tension between this guy being interested in you and you just being nice but reserved back.

      For future readers of this page, if you're dealing with a man who is pursuing you but he is NOT walking with God, perhaps I would suggest a gracious explanation for your reserve that also asks him to detach his interest from you for the time being. Take courage and tackle the problem head on.

  5. Thank you for the perspective from a Godly Woman. I too have met an amazing Godly Woman, but wasn't sure on how to approach a Godly Woman of this magnitude? She seems so much more than the normal Christian woman that I don't want to mess this up.....I pray that God will bless me with an amazing woman of God, but I also know that I need to be seeking after God's own heart, first and foremost.

    1. Dear Anonymous, Praise God for your story. How is it turning out? I pray that the Lord may bless your relationship with Jesus and with the woman you mentioned. Thank you for visiting!

  6. I printed out your article last night after I posted on it last evening. I studied your article, and meditated on it for quite some time. This morning I woke up realized that pursuing you would be to exhausting for a Christian Brother like me. I am a single Christian man that has been raising my now 6 year old granddaughter pretty much by myself, but with God's blessings and provisions, and has placed a couple of amazing families from Church in our lives to help us out. My problem with pursuing a Godly woman such as yourself is that I don't have the time and energy to do all the pursuing, and not knowing "IF" you like me enough to get to know one another better? I most definitely want a Godly woman as my wife, who will love me for the man that God has created me to be, also I would want her to accept my granddaughter also and be an amazing role model for her to learn what it means to be a Godly woman. I'm not looking for her to replace my granddaughters mother, but my granddaughter does need a woman around, because I can't teach her how to be a Godly woman. I give a 100% at work, I love and pursue Jesus, I serve at our Church, I've been in all of the small groups (except the Woman's small group), I've been to Spiritual Breakthroughs, and I give a 100% to raising my granddaughter and making a home for her. Many of the married women at my Church say that I am doing a fantastic job, and that they know that I am doing the Lord's will...which I know for sure that this is God's will for me. But the Single Christian Woman in our Church won't give me the time of day, they act like I'm invisible, or don't even exist? I know quite a few really good Christian Single men at our Church would love to meet and get to know a Godly woman, but if they are like you say they are, then men like us whom are doing the Lord's will, and are great men of God don't stand a chance. Yes Ladies, guard your heart's, but Show your Christian Brothers that you appreciate them, and all that they are doing for Christ and the Church. Treat your Christian Brothers like you would treat your biological brothers. Come along side of us and show that you care. God created Eve to for Adam so that they would become complete...1 flesh, to serve and have fellowship with the Lord. What would of happened if Ruth "NEVER" laid at the feet of Boaz. Boaz show great interest in Ruth, but if she didn't reciprocate or show interest in return then were would we be today? you said that your garden door was closed and guarded, and even if God's best was knocking, he would not get in until you were able to trust him. Didn't Jesus (GOD'S BEST) say that when I knock and you open the door, I will be welcomed, and if I knock, and you do not answer, I will move on to someone who will open the door.......just saying? If you Love Jesus as much as you say you do, then maybe you might want to start showing some love to your Christian Brothers like Jesus does, and stop acting like they don't exist, or that they are invisible....what's the harm in sitting down and a cup of coffee or tea with a Christian Brother to really get to know them. A date doesn't mean that you are dating. Sorry for the long post, but there are a lot of Great Godly men out there that are getting snubbed by Godly Woman because they expect human men to be just as perfect as Jesus.

    1. Another Christian single guy here. I resonate with everything the above anonymous poster mentioned. Following Jesus with everything I've got is at the center of my intentions. I often fall terribly short of the man God desires me to be, but I am grateful for his grace and work of redemption in my life.

      Pursuing a woman can be a tough thing for a lot of Christian guys. It can be a struggle to work up the courage to let a woman know you are interested in her. If your response is to put a Christian guy who works up the courage to ask you out for a cup of coffee on ice, you'll realize they guy's worst fears - rejection - and ensure he doesn't pursue you further.

      But the right man would continue to follow Jesus so perfectly that you become convinced he is worthy to be your husband, whereupon he would pursue you godly and relentlessly until you were clear with your feelings and intentions, right? I'm afraid not. Following Jesus, yes. Pursuing the girl who expressed no interest in a relationship and iced him, almost certainly not. If you won't reciprocate, you may be looking for the superhero perfect man, Christian edition. I'm afraid you will never find him.

    2. Dear Anonymous 1,

      First of all, please allow me to express my apologies for taking this long to respond and interact with your heartfelt and valuable comments that you posted in January. I did see your comment when it came in, and I have given a lot of thought to your words.

      The point about going out for coffee is well taken. You know what? Looking back on my point number 2 in the section "The Territory," I would say that I see an underlying motive of fear behind those statements. I think fear is also lurking behind my statements in the fourth paragraph under "The Pursuit," where I start saying "When you fall in love, you cannot simply hit the "undo" button and go back to the way you were." And I would now refuse any of my actions that spring from fear, and I would seek to be better at evaluating whether I am operating out of "godliness" for a certain decision or posture towards relationships, or whether it is really just plain old fear. To the extent that any fear but the fear of the Lord is controlling my choices, I renounce that. (Experience helps, too--I've now gone out for coffee with guys in the intervening 2 years since I wrote this post, and I found it isn't nearly so scary as I thought. *smiles*)

      I am truly sorry for the way that the single ladies at your church have snubbed you and won't give you the time of day. I sense fear in their response--fear that things would be messy for them if the relationship came with your granddaughter, too...fear that they mustn't open up, mustn't give you even a ray of light or you will pounce on it...fear and self-protection and an unwillingness to love you even as a brother. It is wrong, unfeeling, insensitive, and unkind to cut off the half of the human race who is the opposite gender and act as if they are invisible or don't exist. It hurts me inside to see how little we extend bare courtesy, much less love to one another, and how much more must this hurt the heart of God?

      Just as a practical note, though, from the lady's perspective (I don't know if this is the case for you, but it could potentially be a source to investigate): If you come across as needy and clingy, it will inevitably cause single women to withdraw. If your desperation to get a woman's influence into your granddaughter's life is driving you to give off a vibe of neediness and clinginess, then perhaps you could go to Jesus and establish your faith and confidence in Him as your granddaughter's ultimate protector, provider, and teacher, until this area comes to a place of utter peace. See if that turns things around in your relationships.

      Best regards

    3. Dear Anonymous 2,
      Thank you for your thoughtful and truly insightful perspective. You have given me a good amount of food for thought.

      I appreciate of your interaction with this post, because it provides insight to Christian women how we can LET ourselves BE pursued and perhaps realize the ways we are (hopefully) unconsciously and unintentionally shutting the whole operation down. I wrote this post out of a sincere and friendly desire to provide insight from my side; now you have given me insight from your side; that sheds more light on the situation and points out some of the reasons why the whole relationship thing has ground to an almost complete halt. (And isn't that what the enemy would love to do in order to prevent Christian marriage from happening?) There's something about our modern church culture that somehow kills relationships--even precisely when people are trying to be godly and Christlike and avoid the world's pitfalls. So I welcome more communication and interaction on this point from you and any other readers, in the pursuit of a mutual understanding and unity that brings freedom to actually get to know one another.

      Your comments also revealed to me another detail about this post which I hadn't noticed until now: I realize I was writing with the assumption that the reader wasn't actually a godly man...just someone who was tacking on Jesus as one more attraction in the typical worldly list of salary and good looks and so forth. I am sorry for the cynicism that this reflects that I had about the very existence of any guys who really walk with God in grace and faith and love. Now, I would still expect a shallow guy to make Jesus the core of his existence first. But FROM THERE, assuming that the guy IS godly, assuming that he DOES follow Jesus with everything he's got, I think there would be a whole different dimension to this blog post.

      So I have gone back and edited the original post with that aspect in mind. Please see the additional section I have added at the end.

      One last comment in response to your last thought. You said, " may be looking for the superhero perfect man, Christian edition. I'm afraid you will never find him." Perhaps I am. And perhaps even if he found me, he would be looking for the superhero perfect woman and therefore I wouldn't qualify due to my own imperfections. Perhaps I am holding onto an impossibly unrealistic standard. Perhaps I am being way, way, way too strict in my criteria for a guy's eligibility before I will even begin to let down my guard. However, I am also coming at this whole thing from a place of deep contentment. I am not desperate or longing or thinking "I may never find him!" I am carrying on with my very full, very satisfying, very rewarding life, and in the area of relationships I wait and rest, having given this area to God. I don't expect a man to look more like Jesus than is humanly possible before I want him. But I am also completely unafraid of a scenario where I "never find him," simply because I already do have Jesus, the standard, the superhero, the perfect man, the source and fountain of love, my provider and my Beloved.

      Kind regards

  7. Thank God I found this blog. Past mistakes and not totally surrendering myself to Jesus Christ made life seems too much to bear. 2015 was not a good year for me and I've been broken, but still I praise God for everything. I desperately needed God to hold me and I know that a personal relationship with Him is all I need right now. I will wait for God's best plan for me. God's timing is perfect. Never late, never early.

    Thank you again for this message.

    1. Dear Anonymous, May the Lord bless and prosper you with grace, strength, and peace as you walk with him. I hope 2016 is turning out to be a better year for you and that things start looking up and that what was broken may be repaired and healed.

  8. Hi Rebekah,thank you for the post it was very helpful, you have a wonderful writing poetic. I'm Eric from Nairobi:) and I've just recently started pursuing a very spiritually mature Christian girl and so far from what i have experienced with her she seems to be exactly the kind of girl your talking about.When i text her she gives me zero signs of interest,she would reply but wouldn't give me anything to work with,she would never ask anything about me unless saying "what about you?" in relation to a question i asked her and she also has never initiated a conversation with me.I was perfectly fine with this as i know its my responsibility as the man to pursue her but then she started reading my texts and not replying!.So i decided to confront her and get closure so i can move on.It went something like this:"I really wanna get to know you and hopefully go out some time and see where that goes but if thats something your'e not too keen on then its okay i'd just like to know".She apologized for not replying to my text and said she genuinely enjoyed talking to me and that it was not out of courtesy,she also said she was keen on us being friends. As you can imagine i was very excited with her response but now I'm a bit indecisive on how to move forward.For one id like to ask her out and initiate physical contact but considering she seems to be exactly like you and I'm nowhere near the men you describe as I'm still quite young in my spiritual journey in Christ tho i have strong will,belief and faith that i will get there soon.would it be wise to ask her out or should i stick to the phone conversations and texts,we have only been talking for about a 3 weeks. I'm also at a point where I've lost a lot of friends due to the Christian lifestyle i have adopted and it gets quite lonely and also challenging when society kicks in and starts questioning this lifestyle,so in that sense i have a deep want for a companion in Christ and that i think is a big part of why she has a strong pull on me. So should i ask her out or wait?

    1. Dear Eric,
      Thank you for your comment and welcome to my blog. Also, a most cordial and hearty welcome to Christianity! I cannot help but be struck by the fact that your commitment to Christ has already proved to be deep enough to suffer the loss of your former friends and companions. I admire and respect that, and I want to encourage you to keep standing strong and growing in the faith. How did you come to know Christ as your savior?

      Regarding your interest in the girl you described, it sounds like you've found a real keeper! It also sounds like you are being persistent and comfortable taking your role as the man and the pursuer, which is awesome. My observation is that in most conservative Christian circles, the girl does show so little interest at the beginning that the guy really does have to be quite resilient, and I see that in you. Also, the fact that you were willing to clearly confront the situation and state your intentions is helpful and good.

      Her response to you sounds to me like she is not yet really sure about taking this to a level beyond "just friends." If you communicated to her that you wanted to "hopefully go out some time," and all she said to you was that "she genuinely enjoyed talking to you" and "she was keen on us being friends," then I would say she needs time to get to know you better and have a chance to grow in her respect for you as a Christian man. Right now her feelings are not involved and she is being cautious to not LET them get involved, so let her continue to get to know you, without applying any pressure to go to the next step, until she feels comfortable and can trust you.

      Now, I don't know this girl, so I can't speak for her, but if it was me, here are some things I would be thinking if I was in her shoes.
      ● I would be happy that I was a Christian friend in your new walk with Christ, and I would wish to press you closer towards Christ. I would also be looking for signs that our friendship was actually useful to that end, and if I came to think, "Oh, he's not interested in Christ as much as he is in pursuing me," then I would quickly break off contact, feeling that I was more of an unhealthy distraction in your Christian growth than a help.
      ● If you got me to go on a date but then initiated physical contact, I would immediately be done with you. I would consider it inappropriate and premature. Even holding hands would startle me, especially if I had known you for only 3 weeks. It sounds like you're already ready for physical contact and she's not even yet sure if she's ready to answer your texts. So you will have to be infinitely patient.

    2. Ideas for you:
      --Let her see that you are pursuing Christ as your primary goal.
      --Seek out a godly Christian man and ask if you can meet with him for discipleship. (This will be a huge way that you can demonstrate your seriousness and commitment, because she will see that you're not just being a Christian in order to catch her, but rather that this is truly an important part of your life.)
      --Make Jesus the subject of your texts and conversations with her. Tell her what you read in the Word this morning. Share a verse that stood out to you. Ask what she read and what stood out to her.
      --Come up with open-ended, thought-provoking questions to ask, like, "What does Jesus's promise mean in John 14:12-14? (And do we really believe him?)" That is the kind of conversation that I would really enjoy, and it would move me from the realm of polite courtesy to really sharing what I think.
      --Be in prayer continually and ask the Lord for guidance on whether or not to continue to wait or to make a clear intentional step to ask her to go to a deeper lever with you.

      One last note, as an insider cultural tip on the conservative Christian relationship field: No matter how patient you are, it's quite possible that she will be happy to stay "just friends" forever, and even perhaps be wilfully oblivious to the fact that you have deeper intentions. Even if you ask her out, it's possible that she will be blind to the obvious and convince herself that you're still just going out for coffee as nothing more than friends, unless you try something like this: Either in person or in a letter, you say something like this, very seriously. "Dear [Name], I have been praying about this and I would like to ask for your permission to intentionally pursue your heart in a way that would lead to marriage. I like you as more than just a friend, and I would like to win your love, with your consent." And then give her some time (like 3 days or a week) to think about it and get back to you with an answer.
      The thing about this is, it wakes the girl up and lets her know that you are purposefully and intentionally initiating pursuit. If she accepts it, it doesn't mean that you will definitely get married, but it does mean that if she says yes to your pursuit, she will begin to consider herself your "girlfriend" and not just your "friend." There's something about this "style" of doing things that has worked with a number of my friends.

    3. I prayed to God to guide me through your advice and I know He has,so I'm definitely gonna wait and take it slow.I mean whats the worst that could happen:Eternal friendship!,id rather that than jeopardize Her salvation or mine. Its funny how you say that if it were you ,you'd be more open if we'd talk about Christ because the longest response i ever got from her is when i asked, what is it that she most desires in life.Her love for Christ just came out flowing and she was so open and even encouraged me on my own journey and it was just brilliant,i also now see what you mean by her going out with me and not seeing my intentions as her spiritual maturity would lead her to seek for my salvation first without considering anything else. I also like the letter idea,its very oldskool and definitely shows intent. I've also decided that when i do ask her out, I will ask her from a platform of friendship so we can get to know each other within that safe zone and depending on how things go I'l hopefully ask her for her hand in a relationship,oldskool style.Otherwise thank you for your'e response, it was so prompt it got me by surprise and you have put so much thought into it that i am truly humbled by your commitment and service. Thanks a lot.

    4. I had written a long story on my salvation but unfortunately it was too long for here,but no worries here is a link to google drive for you

  9. This blog post was awesome and exactly what I was looking for! I've recently started pursuing a girl that I know is pursuing God as hard as I am, and is pretty close to the same level of spiritual maturity I am. We've been texting a lot over the past week and a halfish. She knows that I'm into her and pursuing her because I have no filter and got myself into an awkward spot I couldn't get out of.. but I'm definitely about to change my approach in talking to her. I've been focusing on her a little more than I have my relationship with God, and as awesome as I think she is, even awesome girls can be bad if I'm putting her above God. So I'm definitely going to slow-up my pursuit of her and allow her to do the same. I'm gonna focus on pursuing God so tenaciously that I just naturally come closer to her as she's pursuing God!!

  10. Awesome post.

    First of all, I thank God for your life and the gift He's given you. This blog post is so helpful to me.

    I'm so in love with a young lady in my school. She's Godly and inspires me to get it right in my relationship with Jesus.

    I have not been very consistent in my personal relationship with Jesus. However, I've resolved this day to pursue Jesus relentlessly.

    But I need you to advise me on this;

    I've already gone ahead to make my intentions known to her a couple of days ago after about 3 years of friendship.

    She thanked me for expressing interest in her but declined my proposal saying she considered me only as a brother.
    I have since then noticed that she's been trying to avoid me (I may be wrong though).

    In this case, what do you suggest I do?

    1. Dear Siegfried, Welcome to my blog, and thank you for your visit. Please forgive my delay in replying to your question. I was away for New Year's and then I spent some time being sick.

      Congratulations in loving this godly young lady. Even greater congratulations in your resolve to pursue Jesus relentlessly. That pursuit leads to the greatest reward of all (Jesus himself).

      If the girl is seemingly trying to avoid you, she is probably saying to herself, "Oh no. It has gone farther on his end than I suspected. I must not defraud my brother by teaching him to hope. No, I must not give him any hope at all. How can I do this? I must not speak to him, and I must not allow him the chance to speak to me." If she said she considers you only as a brother, that's probably true, but it's probably also true that she does not want to think of you as anything more than a brother; i.e. she is not secretly harboring feelings for you that she is suppressing merely as an act of the will, or as an act of reason over passion.

      What should you do in this circumstance? Here is the only course of action that I can think of.

      Let go of her. You cling fast to Jesus, pursue Jesus relentlessly, and become a man who is stronger, more equipped, and more on fire for Jesus than she is. How long will this take? If she has relentlessly pursued Jesus all her life (and you are just starting now), it may take a very long time to catch up to her and pass her. However, I don't believe that growth has to be measured in equivalent numbers of years. A diligent student of the Word can grow by leaps and bounds.

      But perhaps it takes you three years. Or five.

      At the end of that time, you are a man who is zealous for the kingdom of heaven, full of faith and power, possessing an intimate knowledge of the Word of God, and unable to be distracted from prayer. You fight for the advancement of truth in our generation, you keep your priorities in the right order, and you never give in to compromise. You are so in love with Jesus that your face is shining with the beauty of the glory of God. And yet you sigh and cry, "Oh, for more of Jesus! Oh for more of His grace! I am nothing--I have only taken one step forward into the vast and endless frontier. Oh, to know Him more! Oh, to spend more uninterrupted time in His presence!"

      At that point, whether or not this girl is still available, you will deserve a wife of her caliber. And will not God bring her into your life? Right now this young lady deserves a man who is more godly than she is, a man who can disciple her, a man who is ahead of her, a man who will be the true head of the home. If that is not currently the case with you, then your job is to pursue Jesus until that is the case--not as a means to an end, as if "pursuing Jesus" were the means and a godly wife were the end, but because Jesus HIMSELF is the true and real reward.

      Godspeed to you, Siegfried, as you pursue Jesus.


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